'Easier said than done,' she retorted. 'You don't know the pressure this culture puts on women, how it ruins their self-esteem, causes them anxiety and self-loathing, not to mention eating disorders and health problems-these days many college sororities even have puking contests after dinner. You don't know because you are not constantly evaluated by the shape of your tits and butt, are you ?'

'That may be because I don't have tits,' he tried to inject some humor.

'What pains me more,' she ignored his comment, 'is the knowledge that so many women don't see the big picture, and become co-conspirators with men in their own oppression.'

'Co-conspirators ? Wait a minute. Are you saying that men conspire to oppress women ?'

'What I mean is that it is still a man's world, customized to serve his convenience and goals. And that so many women accept and even further this status quo. They don't realize their long-term interests.'

'What solution do you propose ?' he asked testily. 'Oppressors are also victims. Men, too, have pressures-the same culture also lays down ideals of success for them, which includes being rich and famous, and scoring with skinny women. It may not be all physical but the demands on men are no less damaging to their souls.'

'When it comes to gender issues, I bet it is convenient for men to conflate oppressors and victims.'

'You're dead wrong!' he raised his voice. 'Women are not a single group. They have a great many identities and interests, a lot of which coincide more with other men's than with other women's. Oppressor, victim are fluid and amorphous terms in this context. One must always look at particulars to pronounce judgment.'

'Maybe so, but I believe the narrow physical assessment of women in this culture is far more insidious.'

Her mind is made. Did she even hear his argument? 'Listen, if your sisters don't use their heads, don't feel sorry for them. If not this, then something else will find a way to control them, and even men. Such is the nature of power in human societies.'

'I agree. That is why we need to educate women, to help them see how they are manipulated and controlled, how they are being held down. That they deserve better in their relationships. I do feel sorry for them.'

'Is it worth doing this for all of their relationships ?' he asked.

'Yes, wherever women do not share power equally with men.'

'I think it's a good idea in situations where women are resentful. I'm not sure about the merits of provoking all unequal power relationships, particularly those rooted in tradition or convenience, and which may seem more objectionable to outsiders than to the woman involved.'

'Would you have used this argument for slavery as well, that not all slaves seem to mind ?'

An old trick in rhetoric: resort to extreme comparisons, with Hitler, slavery, genocide. 'That's an absurd comparison Liz. Women don't live under oppressive institutions in America. About their angst and insecurities in this day and age, all I can say is: stop blaming others. Get over it!'

'These are no ordinary insecurities, Ved. You won't understand because you are a man. You are not subject to the same depressing messages constantly from age six-behold you girls, this is the ideal, desirable female body! This is what men want! And you know what? Once we internalize it, we can't just give it up one fine day.'

'I am sorry I am a man but I think-'

'If only you would try to understand women! Instead, you speak from a comfortable high perch to us lesser mortals, breaking the news about our weakness to the world-Look here, how even these modern, educated women keep themselves in chains!'

'Listen,' he softens his tone, 'your making this so personal helps no one. See how wretched it makes you feel? Why let what you did not cause, or what you cannot wish away, cause such heartburn to you? Why let it consume you ? You owe it to yourself to remain functional, even joyful and serene, in a world that is, and will always be, partly unjust.'

'I know that!' she screamed. 'I don't let it consume me for God's sake. It happens! I am weak, OK ?' She began sobbing, forcing him to mentally replay everything he had said, searching for something to apologize for. But all he regretted was getting into this conversation in the first place.

But he felt a bit guilty. Easy for him to say what he did. How well does he really understand the experience of women ? Moving closer, he put his arm around her. She resisted at first, and then relaxed against him.

Later, trying to enter her mind to see the world from within, he thinks: each of us is a singular echo of the cosmic mind. We harbor all kinds of theories, but without inhabiting the skin of others, can we truly understand their experience of life, in all its diverse implications? Probably not, but trying is the best we can do, even though it may not always lead us closer to the real thing. Trying is all we have.

(Note: Another, related excerpt appears here).